You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
