this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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