what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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