She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
