I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
