i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
