The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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