I wish my penis had an off switch
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
