Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
