I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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