your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
