You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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