she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
