I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
