When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
