You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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