I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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