you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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