i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
