i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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