never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
