They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
