Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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