just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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