I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
