god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
