Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
