Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
