She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
