Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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