im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sext me about skeletons
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
