she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
