I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
