he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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