I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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