uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
