I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize