The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
