that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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