I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
