I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
