His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
