If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
