I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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