you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
