if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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