Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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