youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You are a genius and a whore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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