I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
