so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
