I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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