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Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
