My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
