My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
