Yo dont text me then not text me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
