last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
don't judge my taste in strippers
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
