can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
