I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
