i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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