Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
