You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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