At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we're making bets on your personal life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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