Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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