Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
