Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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