i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
